I Don't Know If I Want Kids
Parenthood Indecision Counselling
Do I want children? Do I want to be a parent?
Maybe you've been asking yourself these questions for months - or even years.
You go backwards and forwards. One day you can imagine having a child. The next, you're certain it isn't the life you want.
You've made the pros and cons lists. You've talked to friends. You've read articles, listened to podcasts and perhaps found yourself scrolling through childfree and parenting communities looking for an answer.
But you're still sitting on the fence.
And maybe the hardest part is wondering:
Why does everyone else seem to know?
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
I'm Julie, a registered counsellor and psychotherapist, and I support people who feel stuck in indecision about whether or not they want children.
I also know what it feels like not to know. I was a fence-sitter too, caught in the seemingly endless loop of trying to work out whether parenthood was right for me.
You don't need to have the answer before coming to work with me.
Sitting somewhere in the middle, or flip-flopping, with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that come with not knowing, is exactly what we can explore together.
There's no pressure to have it all figured out. We can make space for the uncertainty, gently untangle what's going on for you, and begin to understand what it is you truly want.
When You Feel Like You Should Know If You Want Children
There can be an enormous amount of pressure around the decision to have children.
Maybe you always assumed you would become a parent.
You finish school. Get a job. Find a partner. Buy a home. Get married. Have children.
It's the life script many of us grow up with.
But somewhere along the way you started wondering:
Is this actually what I want?
Perhaps your friends are having children and you expected that seeing them become parents would make things clearer.
Instead, you're more uncertain.
Maybe you're getting older and feeling the pressure of time, or the so-called biological clock.
Perhaps family members are asking when you're going to have children.
Or people reassure you with things like:
"You'll change your mind."
"You'll never regret having them."
"It's different when they're your own."
Even when these comments are well intended, they can ake it harder to hear your own voice amongst everyone else's.
Therapy gives you somewhere to turn down that external noise and become curious about what you want.
This can be one of the most important questions we explore.
There is a difference between wanting something and believing you are supposed to want it.
Our ideas about parenthood don't develop in isolation. They can be influenced by our families, relationships, culture, childhood experiences, gender expectations and the messages we've absorbed about what a happy or meaningful life is meant to look like.
Sometimes those messages fit us.
Sometimes they don't.
And sometimes we're not sure.
Rather than assuming there is a particular answer you need to reach, we can gently explore the beliefs and expectations you've collected throughout your life and begin separating them from your own values, desires and hopes for the future.
Do I Want Children - Or Do I Just Feel Like I Should?
When Pros and Cons Lists Aren't Helping Anymore
You may have already approached this decision logically.
Children would mean this.
A childfree life would mean that.
You add another point to one side of the list, feel certain for five minutes, then think of something else and find yourself back where you started.
That's because this isn't necessarily a decision that can be solved through logic alone.
There may be fears underneath the decision that need space too.
What am I afraid I will lose?
What am I afraid I'll miss?
What does being a parent mean to me?
What does childfree mean to me?
Which fears belong to me - and which have I inherited from other people?
What kind of life do I want?
What matters most to me?
Together, we can explore not only what your mind is saying, but also your emotions, values, and what you notice in your body.
Sometimes clarity comes not from thinking harder, but from learning how to listen differently.
What If I Regret My Decision?
Fear of regret can keep you trapped between two futures.
What if I don't have children and regret it?
But perhaps there's another thought you don't feel as comfortable saying aloud:
What if I have a child and regret becoming a parent?
When both decisions feel permanent, it can seem safer to make no decision at all.
You might even find yourself secretly wishing circumstances would make the decision for you.
Therapy isn't about promising that you'll never wonder about the road you didn't take.
We can make a thoughtful decision and still experience sadness, curiosity or grief about another life we might have lived.
Instead, our work can help you understand why you are making your decision - so that if those feelings arise later, you have something deeper to return to.
When Everyone Around You is Having Children
Parenthood indecision can also feel surprisingly lonely.
Your friendships may be changing as friends become parents and their lives, conversations and priorities naturally change.
Perhaps you've looked for support in childfree communities but haven't felt at home there either because you're not sure that's your path.
You aren't firmly on one side or the other.
You're somewhere in between.
And there aren't always many places where it's okay to simply say:
"I genuinely don't know"
Therapy can be one of those places.
You don't need to defend either future. You don't need to convince me that you should or shouldn't become a parent.
You can be uncertain.
Counselling for Parenthood Indecision
My role isn't to tell you whether you should have children.
And I won't try to convince you to become a parent or to live childfree.
Instead, counselling gives us space to explore things such as:
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what parenthood represents to you
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what a childfree life represents to you
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your fears about both possibilities
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expectations from family, partners, culture and society
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your personal values and beliefs
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experiences from your own childhood
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identity, freedom and responsibility
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the life you imagine for yourself
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fear of regret
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grief around the path you don't choose
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what your mind, emotions and body are communicating to you.
There is no universally right answer.
There is your answer
And sometimes finding it begins with having a space where you don't need to know yet.
What If My Partner Wants Children and I'm Not Sure?
This can add another layer of pressure.
Perhaps your partner has always known they want children and you're the uncertain one. Or maybe you want childrent and your partner isn't sure.
Suddenly, your decision can feel as though it isn't only about parenthood. It may feel tied to your relationship and the future you've imagined together.
That can make it even harder to distinguish what you want from what you're afraid of losing.
I work with individuals, rather than couples. This means therapy can give you your own confidential space to explore your feelings without needing to protect, reassure or persuade your partner.
If both partners would like support around the parenthood decision, I can see you individually in separate appointments.
What If I Decide I Don't Want Children?
Choosing a life without children doesn't mean choosing a life without connection, meaning, love or purpose.
Your life does not have to follow one particular template to be fulfilling.
You might invest deeply in friendships, relationships, travel, creativity, community, career, animals, nieces and nephews, mentoring young people - or things you haven't discovered yet.
Or perhaps you simply create a life that feels like yours.
There is no one way to live a meaningful life.
What If I Decide I Do Want Children?
Our work can also create space to explore what your version of parenthood might look like.
You don't have to recreate the parenting you experienced or adopt every expectation attached to motherhood or fatherhood.
Understanding your values, needs and fears before becoming a parent may also open conversations about boundaries, relationships, identity, self-care and the kind of family life you hope to create.
The goal isn't simply to reach "yes" or "no."
It's to understand yourself more deeply along the way.
Moving Forward After Childlessness by Circumstance
Sometimes a life without children wasn't a decision at all.
Infertility, relationships, timing, health, age or other circumstances may mean the future you once imagined hasn't happened.
There can be grief in letting go of that imagined life while simultaneously trying to work out:
What does my future look like now?
Counselling can provide space for both.
We can honour the grief and loss while slowly exploring what meaning, connection, joy and purpose might look like in the life ahead.
You Don't Need to Decide Today
The decision about whether to become a parent can feel enormous.
You may feel ambivalent, anxious, guilty, sad, confused, frustrated — or all of those things at once.
You don't need to force certainty.
At JG Psychotherapy, my goal is not to push you towards or away from parenthood.
It's to help you become curious about yourself.
To turn down some of the outside noise.
To understand your fears.
To reconnect with your values.
And to create enough space to begin hearing your own voice again.
Whatever you ultimately decide, it gets to be your life.
Ready to Explore Your Parenthood Decision?
I offer online counselling for adults across Australia.
If you're tired of going around in circles wondering whether you want children, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation with me.
You don't need to know the answer.
You just need somewhere to start.