I Don't Know If I Want Kids — Is That Normal?

"I don't know if I want kids."

Maybe you've said those words to your partner.

Maybe you've whispered them to a friend.

Or maybe you've only admitted them to yourself.

You might look around at people who seem completely certain — friends who have always dreamed of becoming parents and others who confidently know that children aren't for them — and wonder:

Why don't I know?

If you've been sitting on the fence about having children, you may worry that your uncertainty itself means something.

It doesn't.

Not knowing is a valid place to be.

Why Does Everyone Else Seem So Certain?

It's easy to assume everyone else has figured this out.

But we tend to hear the loudest voices at either end.

"I've always known I wanted to be a mum."

"I've known since I was young that I never wanted children."

Those experiences are completely valid.

But there is another group we don't hear about nearly as much.

The people in the middle.

The people thinking:

Maybe.

Some days.

I thought I wanted them.

I'm not sure anymore.

I can imagine both lives.

What if I choose wrong?

When you don't hear people talking about uncertainty, it's easy to believe you're the only one experiencing it.

You're not.

Maybe You Always Assumed You'd Have Children

Sometimes parenthood indecision doesn't begin with someone thinking they don't want children.

Quite the opposite.

Perhaps you always assumed you'd have them.

There was never really a decision to make.

You would grow up, find someone, build a career, maybe get married and buy a home—and then children would come next.

That's just what life looked like.

Until one day you stopped and asked:

But do I actually want this?

That question can be unsettling.

You might even feel guilty for asking it.

But questioning a path you once assumed you'd follow doesn't mean you're selfish, confused or incapable of commitment.

It may simply mean you're beginning to consciously consider what you want your life to look like.

Do I Want Kids — Or Do I Feel Like I Should Want Them?

This is where things can get complicated.

We're influenced by messages about parenthood long before we're old enough to decide for ourselves.

Family.

Culture.

Religion.

Friends.

Movies.

Social media.

Gender roles.

Our own childhood.

Ideas about success, adulthood and what makes a meaningful life.

Maybe you've heard that having children will give your life purpose.

That you'll regret it if you don't.

That your parents deserve grandchildren.

That you'd be a wonderful mum or dad.

That you'll understand when you have your own.

Those messages can become so familiar that it can be difficult to work out where they end and you begin.

A useful question isn't only:

Do I want children?

It can also be:

What have I been taught I'm supposed to want?

The Pros and Cons List Problem

If you're a thinker, you've probably tried to solve the decision.

You may have a mental spreadsheet running constantly.

Freedom versus family.

Travel versus children.

Finances.

Career.

Sleep.

Love.

Responsibility.

Meaning.

Identity.

Age.

Relationships.

Climate Change and the environment.

You finally convince yourself one way.

Then another thought appears, and suddenly you're back on the other side.

So you make another list.

The problem isn't that pros and cons lists are useless.

It's that you're trying to use logic to answer a question that may involve far more than logic.

This decision can touch identity, childhood, relationships, mortality, freedom, belonging, fear, love and the future you imagine for yourself.

Sometimes thinking harder just creates more thinking.

"What If I Regret Not Having Children?"

This is one of the biggest fears I hear around the decision to have children.

You picture yourself in the future and wonder:

What if I'm 60 and wish I'd had children?

It's an understandable fear.

But if we're going to give one possible regret space, we need to be able to acknowledge the other one too:

What if I become a parent and realise it wasn't the life I wanted?

That thought can feel much harder to admit.

We don't always give people permission to talk openly about ambivalence around parenthood.

So instead of exploring both possibilities honestly, you may find yourself trying to identify which future guarantees that you'll never feel regret.

Unfortunately, neither of us can know exactly how our future self will feel.

Perhaps the question becomes less about creating a future in which you will never wonder about the other road, and more about understanding yourself well enough to make the most authentic decision you can with the information you have now.

What If My Partner Wants Kids?

Now the decision can feel even heavier.

It's no longer simply:

Do I want children?

It can become:

Do I want children enough to have them?

Do I not want them enough to risk this relationship?

Those are very different questions.

When we're afraid of losing someone we love, it can become difficult to hear our own desires clearly.

Having an individual space to explore the decision can help you separate your feelings about parenthood from your fears about what your decision might mean for your relationship.

Try Imagining Two Lives — Not Two Decisions

Instead of asking yourself to decide right now, try becoming curious.

Imagine yourself living a life in which you became a parent.

Not just the baby stage.

Imagine an ordinary Tuesday.

What does your life look like?

What do you notice emotionally?

What parts feel meaningful?

What parts create resistance?

Now imagine a life in which you didn't have children.

Again, don't imagine a permanent holiday filled with travel and cocktails.

Imagine an ordinary Tuesday.

What relationships surround you?

How do you spend your time?

What gives your life meaning?

What do you notice in yourself?

You're not trying to make either future look better.

You're simply noticing.

Your mind may have plenty to say.

But also pay attention to your emotions and your body.

Curiosity can sometimes tell us more than another pros and cons list.

You Don't Need to Know Yet

There's something I wish more people heard when they're struggling with this decision:

It's okay not to know.

You don't have to force yourself onto one side of the fence simply because sitting there has become uncomfortable.

Uncertainty isn't failure.

Sometimes uncertainty is an invitation to understand yourself more deeply.

I'm Julie Gullickson, a registered counsellor and psychotherapist, and parenthood decision-making is an area I'm particularly passionate about.

I understand this decision professionally, but I also understand something of it personally.

I was a fence-sitter too.

My role isn't to tell you whether you should become a parent.

I won't push you towards having children.

And I won't push you towards a childfree life.

Instead, we can explore the noise, expectations, fears, values and desires surrounding the decision and make room for your own voice.

Because ultimately, there isn't one universally right way to live.

There's the life that's right for you.

Still Thinking, "I Don't Know If I Want Kids"?

If you're tired of going around in circles, you don't have to work it out alone.

I offer online parenthood indecision counselling to adults across Australia.

You can book a free 15-minute consultation to see whether working together feels right for you.

You don't need to arrive with an answer.

We can start with the uncertainty.